A Rook Piercing And A Graduation

Well, I had a very busy weekend!  One of my older brothers, Jake, graduated with his doctorate degree in Pharmacy.  So proud of him!!  It was a really grand weekend.

We left to Portland Thursday morning and got to our hotel that was really more like a little apartment complex.  Pretty darn cute.  Didn't feel like we were in a hotel at all.  Jake met us at the hotel not long after and a little later we were back in the car heading to Forest Grove for his Hooding Ceremony.  This is the ceremony where all the doctoral graduates receive their Hood for their doctorate degree.  They aren't allowed to wear it till the graduation ceremony because they haven't actually graduated yet so therefore they are not a doctor so they just hold them.  They get to wear them when they have actually graduated.  But it was very exciting to see him receive his Hood.  We screamed and yelled when his name was called to cross the stage to receive his Hood.

(Jake with the Dean after receiving his Hood)

That was Thursday, May 16th.  Then we had Friday all open to do anything before his graduation on Saturday, May 18th.  So we lazily got up Friday morning and got ready to go have breakfast with our soon to be graduate and doctor.  We had a really good breakfast at a little place called Biscuits, which had delicious food, and over breakfast we got to talking, half serious, about us all getting a family tattoo.  As we thought about what we would get for our family tattoo, I got an idea to go get the rook of my ear pierced again.  I got it a long time ago with one of my best friends back in the day but of course when I had my accident they took out ALL my piercings so I lost it.  But since then I've gotten my nose piercing back and I thought I wouldn't be having any surgeries soon because I think my burn surgeon wants to get my shoulder fixed up before we do any more reconstruction work so I thought this was a good time to do it.  So, on a total whim, right after breakfast we went over to the tattoo place where my brother got one of his greatest and best tattoos and he said they were good.  But when we went over there they said the woman who does the piercing wasn't in yet but would be in in another hour or so.  So, we went back to the hotel and relaxed awhile, had some lunch from Subway and made plans to go get my rook pierced and then go to Cinetopia Cinemas to see Star Trek: Into Darkness.  We had some lunch and headed out to Tattoo 42 to get my rook pierced.  I was stoked.  The woman was in that did the piercing and I got in right away.  She took me to a little room off the side of the entrance where I told her I had had this pierced before and that I was a burn survivor which is why I no longer had it.  She said she could see a tiny scar where it once was but just barely.  She marked my rook and asked me to take a look and see if it looked OK.  It did so, I laid down and she did some last minute preparation, then asked me if I was ready.  When I told her I was, she asked me to take a deep breath in and release it and when I released it she pushed the needle through.  It was just as I remembered it feeling like.  No real pain cause it's pure cartilage in the rook.  More of intense pushing and intense pressure.  It has to go through two parts of cartilage so it's not a real quick piercing, it takes maybe 3 good seconds.  But she did a great job with it.  I was very happy with how she pierced it and how it looked.  And I was very happy to have it back.  I feel like I'm very slowly putting myself back together.  Next I'm thinking my belly button :)  Also another tattoo :)  Yeah.

Saturday morning rolls around and it's the day of graduation for my brother.  And it's raining.  We take a look on weather.com to see the forecast for the afternoon and looking at the hourly forecast it just says it's going to be cloudy during the hours of the graduation, no rain.  But, of course, it rained and rained hard all during the graduation ceremony.  We huddled under umbrellas but we still got pretty wet.

(Mum and I huddled underneath an umbrella at graduation)

The graduates were led in by a bagpiper and drummer.  When we saw Jake at the end of the line we were so excited and we screamed and yelled again.  He heard us cause he looked up and waved.  They actually hurried things along pretty well so it seemed we were at the announcing of the graduates to be hooded and receive their doctorate diplomas in no time.  When Jake's name was called, and I watched him get hooded and receive his doctorate, my heart swelled with happiness and pride for him.  He worked so hard and for a long time to get this.  I couldn't help the huge grin in my heart and on my face.  We are all mighty proud of him for what he's accomplished.

We went out for a celebratory dinner afterwards with him at this great little local grill that just happened to be having live, local music by a guy named Matthew Gailey.  The food was incredible and the entertainment was kick-ass.  So much so, that after we were done eating and paid the bill, we went up to Mr. Gailey and his guitar player and talked to them for a short while.  I also bought one of his CD's.  It was a grand ending to a grand weekend.  Congratulations, Jake.  I'm proud of you.

Releasing In Order To Heal

 

 

This resonates hugely with me.  I actually wrote a post on releasing the past not too long ago.  But I have recently realized that there are some other things I need to release and this quote put that realization into practice. 

 

I am still learning to release my past.  I know I need more work on it but I'm trying.  Sometimes though I may think I'm doing well and then it creeps up on me like the silent stalking of a cat to a bird.  I'm the bird and my past is the cat.  But I think an important realization I had was releasing any attachment I have to my current situation as well as releasing the identity I've become too comfortable with.  I've never really looked at it like that. 

 

Releasing myself from any attachment to my current situation is a tough one because I'm constantly reminded of my situation.  I'm often in surgery, sometimes more than often, which then puts me in almost constant recovery.  I am constantly reminded with my pain and the suffering my accident has created.  But here's the lightbulb, the key word - attachment.  I may be reminded of my situation constantly because of surgeries, pain, recovery, complications and suffering as a result of all of those things but I can release myself of my attachment to my current situation. 

 

I really need to release a few people who I thought were my friends but really aren't.  They once were but have not shown any care for me, any interest in a very long time.  For some reason it is as if I'm being treated like an ex-boyfriend by some, and by others, someone of no value or interesting or worthwhile.  Even probably by some as feeling sorry for myself or dragging out my accident for too long, like I should just "be over it by now" which, by the way, really angers me.  One friend has actually told me he/she just couldn't be there for me right now because he/she had too much going on in his/her life.  Then I constantly see him/her out with friends in pictures he/she posts and posts made by his/her friends about what fun they had together.  I also see him/her involved in many projects out in the community but somehow he/she just doesn't have the time to be there for me.  It really hurts.  These friends, who shall always remain nameless because I'm not out to expose them for being bad people cause they aren't, they just are not good friends to me because they hurt me and hurt me some more and punch me in the gut for having once been dear friends of mine that I thought would always be my friend, maybe not as close a friend as we were, but at least care for me and what I'm going through like any friend would or even SHOULD.  One of these friends once told me that a friendship goes both ways.  I agree.  EXCEPT in exceptional situations where one of the friends may withdraw due to some kind of trauma and may need help so the other friend may have to put in a little more effort and carry more of the load.  So it may become more of a one way friendship for awhile because that's just how it happens when a friend is having a hard time and withdrawing.  The other friend needs to reach out to this friend, a friend like myself, to help them through their struggles and it may take awhile on what has now become a one way friendship but a real, true friend won't mind because they care and love the friend.  And soon, that friend who is struggling will come out of it and it will become a two way friendship once again.  And one day, the other friend who was helping the friend in need, may come to find themself in a struggling situation and will find themselves withdrawing like the other friend did and will be in need of the same help they once gave.  And a real, true friend will carry that burden of a one way friendship because they understand and truly love and care for their friend who once did the same for them.  Most the time a friendship should always be a two way street, but sometimes, one of those friends may come to struggle with something and it becomes a one way friendship for a little while.  But real, true friends shouldn't care when it becomes that one way street in their friendship.  I am such a friend who is struggling and have found out who my real, true friends are.  Many of my friendships before the accident have disolved, amost as if we were never the best of friends.  And that is painful for me.  But a few of my friendships before the accident have gotten stronger and I have been so thankful for such friends who have stuck around to support and love me.  There are also some friendships I have now that were made post-accident and they are some of the best friends I've ever had.  They don't mind if our friendship may be one way sometimes because they really truly care for and support me.  They understand that because my life has been turned upside down and so much has been taken from me that our friendship may go in and out of a two way friendship because I've been through such a trauma and am really struggling.  And I care for and love them deeply.  I hold them near and dear to my heart for what they do for me, the understanding and patience they give me, the support and awesome friendship they give me.  But those other friends that are really not my friends anymore still hurt me for their non-friendship and non-understanding of what I'm going through.  And those friends are the ones I need to release because they only hinder my healing instead of helping to progress it.  But I have found it to be harder than it seems because they were once my friend.  It's like breaking up and breaking up is hard to do. 

 

 

 

I do have a wonderful church family, even though I don't attend regularly.  Despite my absence in church, they pray for me every Sunday and help out me and my family whenever they can and for them I am truly thankful.

 

To help progress my healing further I also need to release the identity I've become too comfortable with.  And I'm not talking about the releasing the identity of being a burn survivor because that's acceptance and healthy.  I'm talking about the identity of being a trauma victim and the identity of someone who is ugly and scarred and never going to find love.  I need to release the identity of being a trauma victim and be a survivor.  I went through a trauma but being the victim of that trauma is not who I am.  I am a SURVIVOR.  I not only survived a trauma I should not have survived but I am surviving my daily struggles.  There are days when I really do want to give up but so far I haven't.  So I continue to survive every day as I make it through the struggles of the day and wake up the next morning to do it all over again.  And as for releasing my identity of someone who is ugly and never going to find love, that is going to be one of the hardest challenges of all but a challenge that is desperately needed to overcome for my healing to REALLY begin.  A dear friend of mine posted this to me yesterday on my facebook page and it really speaks to this challenge:

 

 

Not only do I need to solely identify myself as a survivor and not a trauma victim, but also as a beautiful person because I have known defeat, known suffering, struggle and loss.  "Beautiful people do not just happen."  Beautiful people are created by knowing these hardships and finding their way out of the depths.  This is something that if I can learn to identify with, I think my healing would really take off.

Dealing With Life's Difficulties

For the past five years now, life has been dragging me back with difficulty after difficulty after difficulty.  Maybe even a few years longer than the accident.  But most particularly since the accident.  The difficulties have been things from losing my independent life to surgery complications to complications in recovery to the physical pain and the emotional pain.  Sometimes I've dealt with these difficulties little bits at a time and sometimes they've hit me all at once to deal with.  I don't know what's worse, difficulties coming at you piece by piece day after day or having a break from it all for a short while only to have it all hit you at once for a few days.  But it seems that for me, I'm dealing with one or more difficulties every day.  Every single day.  I never get a break.  I like the above quote because it gives me hope that these difficulties that hammer me every day and drag me back will finally release someday and launch me with incredible strength into something so great beyond anything I imagined for myself post accident.  I have to hope.

Getting Down With Kinesio Tape

Today I had my third physical therapy session.  I go twice a week.  Haven't had really much improvement but, it's only been three sessions and from what I hear, shoulder injuries can take a long time to rehabilitate.  So, I'm trying to be patient but the pain can be quite horrible.  The Kinesio tape seems to help with the pain though.  Today I got quite the Kinesio tape tattoo on my arm.  Goes all the way from the top of my shoulder down to my wrist. 

(Today's Kinesio taping.  You can't see in this picture but it goes up over my shoulder as well.  There are three colors they have I can pick from and of course, I pick black.)

My PT wonders if the edema in the humeral head is not finding a way to drain because some of my grafts on my arm and shoulder area are quite tight.  She is also wondering about a nerve because when I try to raise my arm out to the side with my thumb up I experience terrible "fuzzy-like" pain all the way down to my thumb.  I can raise my arm out in front of me a bit higher and with less pain but to the side is basically a no-go.  So, no one's still quite sure what's wrong other than there is that edema in the humeral head of my right shoulder that showed up in the MRI. 

In my physical therapy sessions I am getting some nice massage therapy as well as a technique called myofacial release.  But I really like the massage therapy :)  Who wouldn't?  We found out that I'm compensating for not being able to lift with my shoulder by lifting with my neck muscles cause I am so sore in my neck.  Before we start the session she measures me on how far I can lift my arm going out in front of me and going out to the side.  At the end of each session she measures me again and there's usually a little bit of improvement (which usually goes away by the next session), tapes me up like last summer's Olympians with Kinesio tape that stays on for a couple days and gives me new exercises to do at home.

I am passing my time with this usless arm reading, watchin some movies, playing a video game I'm obsessed with that doesn't require any movement of my arm (just fingers and thumbs) and doing my new diet, which, is going well and I'm having fun with it.  And going to doctor appointments and therapy sessions.  Seems like every day I have an appointment for something.  Every once in awhile I try to get my tired ass on the treadmill as my doctor asked and so far I'm still dead tired every day.  So, speaking of the treadmill, I best leave you and drag myself to it and walk for at least 10 minutes. 

Something's Gotta Give

Things have been rough going lately.  I'm battling terrible anemia so I'm just so exhausted all the time, weak and drained of energy.  It takes a whole day for me to really wake up.  I called my doctor to see what he had to say about it and he wants me to try and get some more exercise in.  That response just frustrated me to no end.  I mean, yes, I agree, I need more exercise and it would probably help revive my body and energize me.  It's just tough to hear because I'm so weak and drained of energy and tired that it's nearly impossible to wake up and get the energy to get on the treadmill or go out for a walk!  It's a catch-22.  And then there's the pain I'm dealing with with my shoulder so that makes getting up for some exercise even harder to face.  Which brings me to the frustration with my shoulder issue.  I'm still in pain and I still can't lift my arm any better.  No progress.

I finally got my physical therapy approved with my insurance so I got a call week before last to get in for my evaluation.  So last week I went in for my eval and they didn't really have any answers for me either other than possible impingement in that area where there's edema in the humeral head of my right shoulder.  But she looked at what I could do, what I couldn't, what caused pain and what didn't.  Gave me some exercises to start with at home and wants to see me twice a week.  I had my first actual therapy session this last Tuesday and she did some ultrasound pulse therapy on my shoulder and then some massage work on the back of my shoulder around my scapula and up around my shoulder.  Then we worked on some new exercises for me to work on at home again and she wanted to try Kinesio tape on my shoulder.  You know that funky tape that so many of the Olympians were wearing at the summer games last year?  Yeah, that stuff.  It's supposed to help with pain and inflammation and some other good stuff so she put some on my shoulder and she's got me wearing it for a few days at a time.

So with all my health issues and emotional struggles I'm highly frustrated and feel like I'm walking on the edge of a complete breakdown.  I'm so tired of being so tired all the time; of not being able to get out of bed and wake up like a normal person.  I'm so tired of having a bum arm that is basically useless and have no answers as to what's going on with it or how long it'll take to rehabilitate.  I'm tired of my weight, though I have recently taken a serious step in my weight loss attempt so that's positive and I'm optimistic it's going to work.  But in the meantime, I'm sick of my body.  I've got a lot of frustration and stress going on and I feel like I'm gonna blow a gasket if something doesn't give soon.   

Letting The Past Withdraw

"There is no past we can bring back by longing for it.  There is only an eternally new now that builds and creates itself out of the Best as the past withdraws."  ~Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

This quote hits me particularly hard.  You all know how much I have talked about longing for the past.   Because of a terrible accident that almost took my life and has completely changed my life, my present is often a living hell and my future feels destroyed.  Oh yes, I have longed for a past that was the high of my life.  When anything seemed possible and my present a daily joy to live, my future bright and optimistic.  It was when I had just moved to New York City.  I loved this exciting new world I was living in, the culture, I was thin and fit, I loved my day (well, night) job, I had wonderful new friends to laugh with and experience life with, and I was living the dream I had dreamed about since I was a girl: to live in New York City and pursue my acting career.

Yes, I long for that past every day.  But, I can't bring it back by longing for it.  There is nothing I can do to bring it back.  And there's nothing I can do to change the pieces of my past that I wish I could change.  That's why it's the past.  I must move on by living in the eternal now and allow that past to withdraw - withdraw into simply great memories.  The present and future are where I must learn to concentrate my efforts because that's where my happiness is built and created now.  That's where I can make a difference in my life.

But I feel a little stuck in the "inbetween."  What I mean by that is, I'm stuck inbetween what was and what could be.  I think being stuck in this inbetween state contributes a lot to my unhappiness because this is where I long for what was and where I am unsure of what could be and also what could be if I just let the past go.  I can't get back what was.  Life cannot be lived in the past.  Life is lived forwards.  The only way for me to get out of the "inbetween" is to learn to let go of what was and look forward to the posibilities of what could be.  It's a long, hard journey letting go of what was but if I can start focusing more on what could be, maybe the what was, the past, will slowly withdraw without me even noticing.

Adapting

"Like Darwin's finches, we are slowly adapting to our environment.  And when one does that, my God, the riches that are available."

If you've seen the movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, then you should recognize this quote.  I think about this statement a lot and how it applies to me.  I may not be in another country to adapt to like the characters in the movie, but, I am having to learn to adapt to a new life since my accident.  It's kind of a backwards thing when you think about my kind of adaptation vs my adaptation were I an amputee.  It seems that amputees adapt faster to their new way of living than those of us who are not amputees.  Perhaps it's because they are forced to.  They are forced to learn to do things with one arm or one leg or they'll never get it done.  Whereas I am lucky to have full function of my limbs and fingers, I tend to be a tad more lazy in getting things done because I know I can get them done, it'll just take me longer.  Yes, it'll take an amputee longer as well but, if they don't learn to do something in a new way than how they used to do it with the full function of their limbs, it simply won't get done.  Such as learning to put on a sock with only one arm.  They'll always be dependent on someone to put their socks on unless they learn to adapt and figure out a way to do it with the use of only one arm.  And the desire to be independent again is a strong motivator to adapt.

I have full use of all my limbs but my range of motion is pretty terrible so I have had to adapt to new ways of doing things as well.  But, I wasn't gently put in this situation.  I was dropped into it, hard on my ass, as was my family, and that is where the force to adapt to your new environment, or new way of living comes from.  And when you're dropped into it, like every person is who has been in a traumatic accident, you have two choices: you can either adapt, or fight it and fight it and fight it.  And trust me, if you try to fight it, you'll never win.  So, like Darwin's finches, you adapt.  Some faster than others, some more efficient, but you will adapt.

Still, five years later, I'm still learning to adapt.  I've done a lot of adapting in these five years but there are still things I have yet to figure out.  Sometimes there's a new surgery that deems me unable to do something I had just learned to do, just adapted to, and I'm back to square one again.  But, I once again, learn to adapt because I am forever learning to adapt.  I have adapted to putting my clothes on differently, though I still need help.  Such an example is how I put on a sweater or a coat.  Like pretty much everyone, before my accident, I used to take a hold of it and sort of swing it around my back and ease my arms into it.  Well, I can't do it that way anymore.  My arms don't have that kind of range of motion anymore.  So, I've had to adapt to putting it on a different way and adapt to having the patience needed because it takes a bit longer to get on and is more frustrating than just swinging it around like everyone else can.  Something as simple as clipping my toenails is another example.  Like everyone, I used to just lean over my knee and clip them.  I had the flexibility in my arms and the stretch in my skin to reach my toenails.  But now, with my limited range of motion and the tightness of the grafted skin that has no give or stretch, I have had to adapt to sort of bending down on the inside of my knee to reach my toenails.  And many times I still can't do that so I have to resort to asking for help.  Learning to ask for help is an adaptation as well.  For me, at least.  I have always had a hard time asking for help but I have had to learn and adapt to asking for help since my accident and try not to feel bad about it.  I say, "try," because I still sometimes feel bad.


But, once you have opened yourself up to adapting to a new way of living after a traumatic accident, what riches you'll reap!  You'll find your independence again (I haven't yet but I heard you will).  You'll find your life again!  You will find happiness in this slog of shit that happened to you.