Jack White Tomorrow!!!

Tomorrow I get to see Jack White in concert on his first ever solo tour!!!  The concert is in Eugene, Oregon and I'm going with a very dear friend of mine who used to live here in La Grande but has since moved to Portland, well, Hillsboro to be exact.  But tomorrow I am venturing out on my own, unaccompanied by my parents and spending a night away from home for the first time in four years (not counting hospital stays).  When I first told my parents of my wishes to do this, I was pleasantly surprised at how easy going they were about it.  I think it may mostly have had to do with their knowledge of my excessive love for Jack White and how much this will mean to me to go and see him.  And finding rides to and back from Portland has been relatively smooth.  I had a little trouble finding a ride back from Portland because it is on the day after memorial day when people will be back at work but I did finally find a ride with an old friend from high school.

My day on Monday will be a long and tiring day but I think it will all be so exciting that it will keep me energized through to the night.  Monday I leave from La Grande to head out on a first, 265 mile trek to Portland to meet up with my friend whom I'm going to the concert with.  From there we will travel another 2 hours to get to Eugene for the concert.  Then the concert starts at 8:00pm but we will be there when the doors open at 7:00 to get our will call tickets and buy some swag.  The concert could be anywhere from around 3 hours and then we gotta make the trek back to Portland where my friend lives and where I'm staying the night.  So needless to say, it's gonna be a long, but very exciting day.  But I just keep telling myself, I'm gonna see Jack!!!

I plan on documenting my whole trip with my superfly video camera that I got this last Christmas cause this is something to be documented and never forgotten :)  It's a small video camera so I'm trying to figure out ways to sneak it into the concert and then of course, the next challenge is sneaking ways to use it in the concert.  But I'm a rebel and I'm gonna try :)  So stay tuned to see clips and photos of my Jack White expedition.

A Life Worth Looking Back On

"One day your life will flash before your eyes.  Make sure it's worth watching."

I think about this quote often.  I would think about it a lot before I moved to New York City, thinking that my life was definitely not worth watching.  That it was a TV show pilot that couldn't get past 4 episodes or a horse racing in the Kentucky Derby that was last out of the gate and last to the finish line.  Then I would think about it a lot right after I moved to New York thinking then that now my life was worth watching.  And then in my last year in New York I would think about it because I felt that my life had taken a disastrous turn and was no longer worth watching.  Then my accident happened and years later I feel again that my life isn't worth even 5 minutes of viewing.  But this year some things have turned around for me.  So far 2012 has been good to me.  I've lost some weight and am continuing to work at losing, I'm doing better at getting out, I went to a fantastic concert (Coldplay) and really allowed myself to enjoy myself for once, my diabetes was finally figured out and am finally on the pump which is really working for me, I'm going to another concert in just 5 days (Jack White!!!) and will be away from home for a night for the first time in four years, I got a personal video message from Jack White himself (that could very well make my whole year if not life), and I've actually allowed myself to be happy on a few days.

To know that I've inspired Jack White has been huge in my recovery.  I hear every once in awhile from my friends and from blog followers that I inspire them but often I chalk it up to those people just being kind and trying to keep my spirits up.  But to hear it from Jack White, well he could very well be doing the same but his message to me was no ordinary message to a fan.  There was something very personal and real about it.  Like he really listened to whatever was said about me and how much him and his music means to me and truly felt inspired by that.  He didn't seem annoyed or like he HAD to deliver this message to some fan.  He had a smile on his face several times and he took his time with the message to really say something kind and heartfelt.  To hear Jack say that he's heard so much about me already and to hang in there gave me a renewed energy to keep fighting this horrible fight and war with myself and the struggles that have come about as a result of my accident.  I mean, don't get me wrong, it means a lot to me to hear it from my friends and my blog followers.  It really does.  But to hear it from someone who has meant so much to me for 12 years, someone who is as rich and famous as can be but yet took the time to make me smile is something else.  It made me fall in love with him all over again and has given me a strength that I really didn't think that I had left in me.

I'm starting to hope.  I'm starting to hope that there will be, that there IS a life for me after this accident.  I don't have high hopes for a partner in life, at least my hope hasn't reached that mountain yet, but I am starting to hope that I will do something I love with my life and that maybe I'll be able to inspire others with my story and make an impact on people's lives and the world.  To hope that when my life flashes before my eyes or I look back on everything, that it will not only be worth watching, but will be Oscar worthy.  And so it's really important to me to hear from you that follow my blog.  It makes me feel that I've been heard and that my writing is not for nothing.  That my fighting everyday is not for nothing.  And it helps keep me energized to fight and to hope.  

Insulin Pump Set Up

Well, yesterday in the late afternoon I got set up on my insulin pump finally.  Good grief, it took a little over two hours to get it done.  But I now have a little buddy attached to me 24/7.  It's going to take some getting used to.  I did have a problem right off the bat so that got me flustered.  When I tried to do a bolus at dinner, it beeped in alarm at me and said it could not deliver my insulin.  So I couldn't get that figured out.  Didn't know if I was doing something wrong.  So I called up my big brother Jake who has been on a pump himself for a couple years now and we got it figured out.  Turns out I was missing a crucial step when inserting the infusion set into my skin and it caused the little plastic piece that sticks in my skin where the insulin comes out and releases into my body to kink so the pump detected that and didn't want to deliver the insulin as a result.  So I had to get out another infusion set, hook it up and this time got it inserted into my skin properly so that it wouldn't kink again and the insulin has had no problems in delivering the insulin since.  So, besides a hitch in the first few hours and some help from my brother, it's been doing fine.  It's been weird not giving myself a shot though.  Just a press of a couple buttons and insulin is delivered!  Kinda nice.  Actually really nice.  Just gonna have to get used to this thing being attached to me all day, all night, for the rest of my life.

Jack White's Personal Message To Me!!!

AAAAAAHHH!!!  CHECK THIS OUT!!!!  CHECK. THIS. OUT!!!  There are hardly words to describe what I felt when I first saw this video and how I continue to feel.  All I can truly put into words is that it's so surreal; hearing my name come out of his mouth, hear him speak directly to me.  This came to me from a very old friend from high school, her and her brother.  I received a message on Facebook from the brother yesterday asking for my email cause he said he had something to show me so I gave it to him but never in a million years did I expect to find this in my inbox.  I woke up early this morning to watch the quarterfinals in tennis in the current tournament and I checked my email and saw that he had sent what he said he was going to send.  The subject of the email was, "a message for you :)" and I still had no idea what it was.  So I downloaded the attachment and this came up.  I think my jaw dropped to the floor and I was completely stunned.  I had to pick my jaw up and play it again because I couldn't believe neither my eyes nor ears.  Did Jack White just say hi to me?  Did Jack White just say he hoped to meet me soon?  Did Jack White just say I was inspiring to him?  FREAK OUT TIME!!!!!!!!  And I have to say, Jack, you look incredible :)  I also have to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to my friends who did this for me and to say thank you to Jack for taking the time to send me a nearly 20 second message to me.  It may seem small to you, but it's a huge deal to me.  Jack, I love you and your music so much and you say I inspire you, well let me tell you, you inspire me everyday for the past 12 years since I discovered you in the White Stripes.  You and your music have gotten me through some pretty tough times and now this 19 second message will continue to get me through the very dark days I have.  Thank you to my friends for thinking of me.  It's a precious, precious gift that you will never truly know how much it means to me.  It's priceless.  And to Jack, thank you for the shout out :)  You are wicked cool and sweet and I love you.  Man do I ever love you!!!!  OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Mysterious Roses

Today someone left this mysterious vase of roses on my porch while I was eating lunch with my mom.  It was just the kind of thing I needed to turn my day around.  It is wonderful things like this that make me feel loved when I'm at a point in life where I feel so alone.  I used my deductive reasoning and impeccable sleuth power to figure out who they came from (though I may still be wrong) but I will keep that to myself.  I thank this person from the bottom of my heart and soul for brightening my day, my week even.  Good days are hard to come by in my life so little things like this turn into big things in my dull, daily life.  They are cherished and loved.  So thank you to whoever put these together and dropped them off on my porch.  They are truly a light in my dark world.  Thank you.   

Being The Star Of My Own Life

"I realized at once that a great actress can never be greater than when she's starring in her own life."  ~Flavia de Luce in "I Am Half-Sick of Shadows," Book 4 of the the Flavia de Luce series.

I love the Flavia De Luce series.  I am on the fourth and last book of the series and the whole series has been most wicked.  It's wizard writing, most witty.  I highly recommend it.  But as I was reading it this morning, I came across that above quote and it awakened something in my own soul.  It first called to the burn survivor in me and then it quickly sang to the part of my soul that is actor through and through.  Flavia couldn't have said it better: a great actress can never be greater than when she's starring in her own life.  Hearing that makes me want to be a better star of my own life for if I can't be a star in my own life, how can I possibly be a star in the world?  It may also help me get out of the funk I'm in if I step up to be the star in my own life.

I often feel like a complete slug, not even a supporting character but rather in the chorus of my own life.  That just isn't right.  One should be the star of their own life.  One should never play second fiddle to someone else in one's own life.  It's important to demand the leading role and demand the big, private trailer.  Otherwise the role you play in someone else's life is no greater than the one you play in your own, even if it is a leading role in someone else's life.  It is your own life that the credits and first billing counts.

I have not been playing the leading lady in my own life.  Not even a supporting or character role.  I've been in the background of the chorus just coming on when I'm supposed to and saying the four word lines at my cue before slipping back into the background to disappear.  And in my own life!  It's sickening to me on two levels:  1) that I'm settling for background work in my own life and 2) that I'm settling for background work in my own life when I'm a leading lady to the core!  I've played a lot in the chorus but I've always known in my heart that I was a leading lady and I got a chance to prove that several times in the theater, both in my younger life (high school and college) as well as my adult life (New York projects).  And when I got my chances to prove that it was like a cat call to my acting heart and soul.

So why have I settled for the background of the chorus in my own life?  I've only done so since my accident and it's because of my accident, because I don't see myself as a leading lady much anymore what with my scars and all.  When really I, above all else, should at least be the leading lady, the star, of my own life.  I want so much to return to film and theater but right now that just isn't in the cards for me.  I've got surgeries and healing going on.  But in the meantime there is a spotlight I shouldn't shy away from...the spotlight of my own life.  I need to step in, raise my head and embrace my own life like a star in the greatest drama since Gone With the Wind was in 1939.  If I can't be the greatest movie star since Meryl Streep right now in the real world that I've so desperately wanted to in my heart, the least I can do is be the best star in my own life until and still even after I make it again in the real world.  Flavia's got a real point there.

An Overview on Diabetes and the Pump

What does it mean to be a Type 1 Diabetic?  Well I was pretty sure I knew since one of my older brothers is a Type 1 but I can always learn more.  When I learned that I was actually a Type 1 about 6 weeks ago, my doctor wanted me to go to this two part class called "Insulin Forward" where you learn about the disease, nutrition, carb counting, insulin management, the pump, etc.  So I decided that even though I have had three years worth of dealing with my own Diabetes management and even more years dealing with it through other family members including my grandmother, my dad and my brother, I would go.  I would probably know most of the stuff the teacher had to say but who knew, there may always be something to learn.  And there was.

To begin, Type 1 Diabetes is where the pancreas is completely malfunctioning and is no longer producing insulin.  It may also be classified as an autoimmune disorder as often if there is any insulin produced by the pancreas, the body's immune system attacks it like an enemy cell and kills it.  Type 1 is a chronic and lifelong disease where you must rely on man made insulin for the rest of your life.  Whereas Type 2 is where the pancreas is making some insulin but the body is not using it efficiently.  Often Type 2 Diabetics are able to control their disease through diet and exercise but sometimes oral medication is used and usually as Type 2's get older, insulin shots are added to their regimen.  Sometimes that's just a Lantus shot, which is a long-acting insulin and sometimes it's both a short-acting insulin shot (Novolog or Humolog) to be taken with each meal along with the Lantus shot (long-acting).

In Diabetics there is kind of a two way battle going on inside the body.  Do you know which organ in the body produces glucose?  The liver.  That was something new I learned.  The liver, among other things, produces natural glucose in the body which is released into the blood stream.  In a healthy body, one without the Diabetic disease, the pancreas then produces insulin to be absorbed into the cells so that the glucose which is being produced by the liver can also be absorbed into the cells and used for energy.  So in a body with the Diabetic disease, there is the battle being fought with the pancreas and there is a battle being fought with the liver.  So for a Type 1 Diabetic like myself, I take an oral medication that works on suppressing the output of glucose from the liver as well as man made insulin shots to make up for the insulin that my pancreas isn't producing.

So no matter what, every time I eat, I have to take an insulin shot to combat the carbs/sugar that I just consumed because my pancreas is not doing anything inside my body to help out naturally.  So I may take up to 7-8 shots a day including my long-acting Lantus shot as well as my oral medication twice a day to work on suppressing the glucose output of my liver.  Now, with my new insulin pump, shots are done away with!  Even my long-acting shot because with the pump, insulin is continually being pumped into my body.  This is called my basal rate.  Now every time I eat a meal, I will shoot what is called a "bolus" from my pump.  This is like giving myself a shot but I don't have to actually give myself a shot because the pump is already attached to my body.  But every two to three days, depending on where my insulin reservoir is at (the amount of insulin in my pump) I do have to change the pump site and put it somewhere else on my body.  And to do that I insert a needle that is attached to the tubing of the pump into whatever site I choose on my body at the time, then release the needle so only the small insert at the end of the tubing is left inside my body to dispense the insulin.  The tubing can be twisted off for two hours at a time for whatever reason, mainly if I'm taking a shower or going swimming as the pump is not water proof, and must then be hooked back up.

So that is just an overview of the Diabetic disease, what is going on inside my body, and a little on how the pump works.  I get hooked up on my pump next Friday so I'm pretty anxious about it.  I think it's going to change my world.  I know it has helped my brother immensely so I hope it does the same for me.

(The Infusion Set - This is the the needle and tubing parts of my pump) 

(The Insulin Reservoir - This is where I will add the insulin and insert into my pump) 

(My new "wireless" Glucometer - This Glucometer is wireless so that when I take my blood glucose, it sends a signal to my pump and my blood glucose is already in the pump to be used for insulin measurements)